Kiss Me, I'm Horny
by JesSickUh
Summary: Logan is horny. Scott gets a new best friend.


**Disclaimer:** Logan and Marie aren't mine. The slogan from which the title was shamefully stolen is not mine. The "like white on rice" comment...that one was made up by some genius I've never met. I'm a poor college student who's only going to be more poor when the fees per unit go up once again. Suing me would be pointless.  
**Summary:** Logan is horny, and Scott gets a new best friend. Response to 2/3 plot bunnies thrown at me by Karen.  
**Author's Notes:** The "my little China doll" comment was something that was really used on me. A guy in high school kept calling me that, to which I replied that I was Filipino. I understand that it's hard to tell the difference between Asian ethnicities, so I forgave him. That is until he kept calling me the same thing every day. This is my first time writing more than one piece of dialogue for a non L/M character, so I hope I got them more or less right. As for Hank, I feel like I totally botched him. Terri, if you're reading  
this, please don't throw stones. I'm just a little girl.  
**Thank you/Dedications:** Karen for the beta. She did it even after I  
found out how swamped she really is. I had fun w/ Scott in this fic. Hope I did him justice. Oh, and Whispers & Giggles is a sex toy kinda store. Not that I've ever been in there. Nuh-uh...not me.

* * *

"Where is he?" Jubilee said running into the room and looking around frantically.  
  
"Where is who?" John asked, amused at the stricken look on her face.  
  
"Logan...he's gone totally bonkers...oh shit! She hightailed it out of the room just as the man in question walked in.  
  
"Jubilee...where are you my little China doll? I have a surpri-ise!"  
  
"She's not here, Logan," John answered, freaked out by the nickname he used.  
  
"But she was," Logan said pointedly. "Oh well, more fun for me. She knows I love to hunt for my prey."  
  
"You and Jubes? I thought for sure you had a thing for Rogue. Damn, there goes my money!"  
  
"Whatever, kid. Oh Jubilee...my little dumpling!"  
  
John just stood there speechless.

* * *

"Kitty...help...Logan...after...me...crazy."  
  
Kitty looked up calmly from the book she was reading. She was used to this. Jubilee was more often than not pissing someone off with her endless pranks.  
  
"What did you do this time...spray paint his bike yellow?"  
  
"No...but that's a good idea...but not now. Seriously...he called me his little China doll! And if it were anyone else, I'd assume there was a gun in their pocket if you know what I mean, but this is Logan we're talking about here."  
  
Now she had Kitty's undivided attention.  
  
"What about Rogue?"  
  
"Exactamundo, my friend...why did you think I came straight to you? She'll be crushed."  
  
"Okay, so what do you think brought this on?"  
  
"Clueless here, babe. One minute he's tellin' me I have crappy taste in beer. So I dare him to try the one I've just opened, so that I can prove him wrong. The next thing you know, he grabs the bottle before I can even have a sip. Then BAM...he's on me like white on rice!"  
  
"Huh," Kitty said, not knowing what to think. "What were you drinking anyway? We finished his last stash courtesy of Rogue."  
  
"I dunno...some green stuff. I never even got to drink it after he jumped me."  
  
They were interrupted when their door swung open to reveal a disheveled looking Wolverine.

"There you are my ray of sunshine!"  
  
"Well, whaddya know? The guy finally manages to convince me to rethink my entire wardrobe."  
  
Kitty stifled a laugh behind her hand.  
  
"Logan, what the hell is going on?"  
  
"Nothing yet, but if you leave us alone, maybe Jubes and I can get this show on the road. Whaddya say, babe?" he asked Jubilee while staring intently at her with lust-filled eyes.  
  
Jubes turned to Kitty in horror. She mouthed out a silent "help" as her friend looked on helplessly. Logan's gaze had been locked on Jubes the entire time, but when he caught a glimpse of Kitty out the corner of his eye, he turned fully to look at the other girl.  
  
"Well well well, Kittycat. You are looking FOIN! Tell me...ever make a wolverine growl?"  
  
"Uh-no, but I couldn't even if I wanted to because contrary to popular belief, wolverines are not in the wolf family. In fact they're actually little ferret-like creatures and they don't growl..."  
  
She trailed off at the last sentence.  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Damn...smart girls are HOT! Think you could put on a pair of glasses and one of those little schoolgirl uniforms?"  
  
"Ewww no!"  
  
"Oh well, maybe you wanna be the teacher." He grinned wickedly. "You might need to keep me after school, Miss Pryde. Wolvie's been a bad boy!"  
  
"Oh my God...I'm gonna hurl!"  
  
"Come on, Kittycat...I'll let you spank me with a ruler! Or your hand...I'm not picky."  
  
Jubilee hung back, her mind swirling with conflicting emotions. While she was glad the attention had been diverted from her, she felt horrible that it had transferred to Kitty. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry for her friend. Instead she ran out of the room as if her life depended on it.  
  
"How about dressing up like that Britney Spears-hey speaking of spears, wanna see mine?"  
  
Oh yeah, her life definitely depended on it.

* * *

Ten minutes later, after being thoroughly rebuffed by Kitty, Logan still wasn't getting anywhere. He decided to go prowling for a more willing victim.

"Logan, have you seen Kitty or Jubilee? They were supposed to wash the cars this afternoon."  
  
"I dunno, Jeannie, but I have a question for you."  
  
"What is it?" she asked him warily. He was eyeing her with that familiar look in his eyes. The same look he used when he flirted with her back in the day.  
  
"Didja know that color looks great on you?"  
  
"Oh...thanks," she said, relieved at the harmless compliment. "Oh yeah. It makes your eyes look brighter than usual."  
  
"Aw, that's sweet, Logan."  
  
"And it does wonders for your bazoombas! You look like you've upgraded to at least a D cup. Lemme at 'em!" With that he stalked toward her making grabbing motions with his hands as they inched closer toward her breasts.  
  
"Logan! Are you fucking nuts?"

"Do you wanna fuck my nu-"  
  
"Okay, that is IT! I don't know what the hell is wrong with you but this is gonna stop now!" Luckily Scott walked in at that moment, right when Logan's hands were about to claim their prize. Clueless as to what had transpired a mere few seconds ago, he walked over to Jean to give her a kiss. He stopped in mid-pucker when he saw the look on her face.  
  
"What's wrong, hon?"  
  
"Nothing...nothing's wrong. I'm fine."  
  
"Nothin' to worry about, pal...Jeannie and I were just exchanging pleasantries," Logan said.  
  
Scott narrowed his eyes. He didn't have the gift of being able to literally smell a lie, but he could bet Logan would stink of a dung-filled sewer right about now. He was Logan after all. And did he just use the phrase "exchanging pleasantries"?  
  
"Well, I gotta go, buddy," Logan said slapping him on the back. "But hey, when I get back you'll show me how to organize my tools like you promised, right?" This time it was Scott whose jaw hit the floor.

* * *

Rogue entered the mansion after a long day of shopping. She heard a commotion in the common room and decided to investigate.  
  
"I'm telling you...he called me his little dumpling!"  
  
"Yeah, well he wanted me to dress like Britney so he could show me his spear!"  
  
"I heard that, babe-sorry I took off. I just couldn't take it anymore."  
  
"I forgive you. It scared me shitless too. I would've done the same thing."  
  
They all stared at Jean who was shaking on the couch.  
  
"He said I had huge bazoombas...and then he went like this." She mimicked his boob-grabbing actions from before. "And then he asked if I wanted to fuck his nu"  
  
"Okay-you win," Jubes said disgustedly.  
  
Rogue saw Hank's silhouette emerge from where she was standing.  
  
"So Kitty's assumption that this is the result of-what was it? Green beer? Seems to be correct. Fascinating."

The women in the room glared at Hank.

"I did some tests and it appears that there is a certain concoction in the beverage that makes Logan-how do I put this delicately..."  
  
"Hornier than a tomcat," Jubes supplied.  
  
"Well, yes I suppose that's an accurate description."  
  
"Cut the crap, Hankster...uh I mean, Dr. McCoy. I mean...well, can he be cured?" Kitty shrunk back a little embarrassed by her outburst.  
  
"Well, aside from the strange side-effects it has caused, the drink is still just beer so once it wears off everything should be back to normal."  
  
"Never back to normal," Jean whimpered in her littler corner. "Bazoombas...oh my God!"  
  
Hank looked at his colleague and friend sympathetically. "At least there are no other side-effects."  
  
"That's what you think," said an angry voice. Everyone in the room turned around. There stood Scott clad in tight jeans with the ever-present belt buckle and a flannel shirt (unbuttoned at the top of course). But that wasn't what everyone was focusing on. Oh no-that was just the tip of the iceberg. Scott's normally stick-straight hair was sticking up on both sides of his head; reminiscent of a certain Canadian they all knew. Nobody said anything. Nobody dared to even breathe.  
  
"Hey, you guys. There you are," Logan said walking in the room. Everyone's gaze traveled from Scott, to Logan, back to Scott again. Dressed in the same get-up as the fearless leader, they noticed that Scott wasn't the only one who'd altered his appearance to match the other. At a closer look, Jean could see that like Scott, Logan's chest was now smooth as a baby's bottom.  
  
"Like my new Oakleys," Logan asked slipping on a pair of red-tinted shades.  
  
Before anyone else could answer, he put a friendly arm around his twin. "Hey, Hank, take a picture. Then we can enlarge it and put it in a frame. It would look really nice in the foyer, dontcha think?" He looked over at Scott.  
  
"Dude, you're supposed to smile. Like this...see? He showed off a toothy grin, which was totally uncharacteristic to his usual scowl.  
  
"I'll give you something to smile about you-" Rogue couldn't take it anymore. She stepped out from her hiding place and strode up to Logan.  
  
"Come on, sugar, let's get you to bed." She tugged on his arm, oblivious to her poor choice of words.  
  
"Okay," he said taking her hand. "Later, dude!" He turned to Kitty who was the closest female in proximity. "Hey, Kit...later, you and me can get dirrrty!"  
  
"Logan, let's go." She sent an apologetic look to Kitty, and ushered him upstairs where he could get some much-needed rest. The next day

* * *

"So green beer made Wolvie hornier than usual?"  
  
"Yeah," said Jubes, "It was so weird. He's the closest I ever had to an annoying big brother and the way he was acting made it seem almost incestuous."  
  
"Incestuous, Jubes?"  
  
"I heard it on Jerry Springer. Anyway that's the last time I ever take anything of Rogue's without asking."  
  
"How do you know it was hers?"  
  
"I found it in the mini-fridge in our room, and it had a note taped on it that said-"

"Rogue's beer," John finished for her. "You don't learn do you, Lee?"  
  
"What? I was thirsty."  
  
"Uh huh."

* * *

Rogue and a now sober Logan were walking down to breakfast when they heard the last strain of the pair's conversation. "Jeez, Marie, a love potion?"  
  
"Not a love potion...per se."  
  
"Then what exactly was it...per se?"  
  
"I got it from Whispers n' Giggles. You weren't the one that was supposed to drink it. It was for...encouragement."  
  
"Encouragement?"  
  
"I didn't think that mumbo jumbo actually worked, but I thought it couldn't hurt to try. And Hank said it was just beer mostly...laced with some sort of aphrodisiac. So I thought I'd drink up so I coud...sodoosoo."  
  
"Huh? I can't understand you when you cover your mouth like that."  
  
"I said so I can seduce you."  
  
"Hehe...regular beer will loosen you up just the same, darlin'."  
  
"I know, but at the last minute I decided to do things the old fashioned way."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"I thought I could woo you with my natural southern charm."  
  
"I think it's workin'."  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Oh yeah. So Jubes stole your little aphrodisiac, I drank it instead and suddenly I wanted the entire female population in the house? Not to mention, it made me wanna be best friends with Scooter? Do you know how long it's gonna take for my chest hair to grow back? I feel like such a pansy! It's a damn good thing this shit wore off before I started doing chorus lines on Broadway.  
  
"Sugar, you could wear sequins and spandex and you would still be my badass Wolverine. As for Scott, don't worry about him. He's as freaked about all this as you are. I doubt he's gonna take that portrait idea of yours seriously."  
  
"Not funny, Marie."  
  
"And in my defense, you didn't hit on the entire population. You didn't hit on me." Logan noted the wistful tone in her voice at the last comment.  
  
"Maybe I like doin' things the traditional way too."  
  
"Good to know. So...feel like telling everyone one of those stories we're sure to laugh about years from now?" 

"Hey, Logan," John said spotting them.  
  
"Hey, Johnny," Rogue said hugging her friend warmly.  
  
"Logan...why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Hey, baby, would you light my fire?" He laughed out loud as John fainted.  
  
"Lo-gan!"  
  
"What?"


End file.
